One of my mundaner inner shifts has been the value of timers. It just became more visceral. There’s pain in starting, and i decided to just be gentle with myself. So if a timer comes due and i still don’t wanna, i don’t force it. I ENSURE the feeling of missing it pulses in me (not painful, just a pulse), then reset the time BUT i halve the time. So I don’t spend more than twice the time to my date with the concept of time. The pulsing is what makes it work out, since my thoughts pull towards my task faster and faster.
First thing was just feeding myself. Beginning of april, i missed a couple days of meals. The first timer was for a few hours out, and i ended up eating late at night and could barely stomach it. Then I set a timer to take a bite in 10 minutes. Then 5, then 2 min 30 seconds, then i snapped and took the bite first. Knowing myself, i set another time for the second bite, but this time i just decided to halve it. When next bite came due, i still ignore it and set another timer. 5 seconds after i snap and cancel it and eat the kimchi rice.
Next was for posting. 4 hours at the outset, and i set the first at noon. And that day i did publish around 10. Late, but improving.
There’s this story about zeno biting Nearchus’s ear off. I live in hope it’s true.
The main benefit is just pushing the feeling of time more and more towards the present from some unimagined future. Since i’m indulging my desire to procrastinate, but i also know what i’m doing, i feel the benefit of actually caring for myself by accomplishing.
Somewhere in timer land the feeling of time in general hit me more, of living in cycles and epicycles of it. Like this scene in Orb, On the Motions of the Earth.
It pulled in the feeling that it’s not possible to not take damage in failing. And the converse.
At some point in 2 weeks it became a habit, i think from obsessing over it so much.
Every programmer reinvents the todo list, because it’s convergent evolution. Even the ai are doing it now. This is just doing it internally. Though i use the hell out of apple reminders.
I kept thinking of arnold in conan. That’s a guy who can keep a schedule.
Getting more used to boredom helped a lot.
It got to the point where for a couple days, if opening my car door felt like too much i’d instantly set a timer for 30 seconds.
taking a piss. opening a door. saying hi to someone (no im just messing with you there)
That got old fast thank god.
Yes i have adhd and it sucks. The pain of starting really is about constant though, though maybe getting used to it dips that activation threshold.
This long date and courtship with time is pretty fun though, i’m excited about how far it can go.