they were all my friends and they died.
guy who fell from oakland coliseum
i knew zach from my freshman dorms. he was a simple and friendly sort of guy who would get really into your idea and then suggest doing something wild. he liked to climb buildings on drugs, and it claimed him.
it’s a void just like the fall is. once was here, suddenly is gone but still on the periphery of vision. it hurts but it’s just a single pinprick so you can look away most of the time.
uncle, kidney failed
i called my parents telling them i got attacked the same night they were trying to call me to tell me this and that my mom was going to india for the funeral.
this hurt the least since i felt so numb, it just gently sunk into my awareness.
my boss adrian
one of the worst times i’ve autocompleted someone’s sentence. a friend called me and my intuition screamed ‘adrian died’.
first time i’ve touched a dead body. so cold, like marble.
grandma 1
do you want cut fruit
no
are you sure
leave me alone
what if i leave it by the door
this loops 5 times and she leaves it by the door
i still wish that i’d been able to teach her how to read or do arithmetic.
maybe the greatest example of unconditional love in my life. also the death that felt the realest. adrian’s death hit hard, but not like a knife slowly sliding it and pulsing through you no it’s a sudden sharp shock and then you break down and cry and it’s over and you move on and wish things were different for a bit, then it fades. the feeling always fades.
grandma 2
hadn’t seen her in almost 15 years, so she’d become very remote to me. her death did not sink in so much either, though i spent a lot of time thinking about how her life was.
girl i went on date with
one of the worst dates i’ve ever been on. the girl taught me that just being hot is not a sufficient reason to go on a date with someone. also a close look at my own process of rationalization.
then she died in a car crash, and i probably spent more time thinking about her after her death than before. strangest use of grammar i’d ever seen. my impression of an ignorant person trying to cover up their ignorance with verbiage.
but she died, and all that sharpens as the distractions that they really are and my soul burned for thinking such thats and i meditated to remind myself that thoughts just occur and then wondered if free will exists, leaning towards no.
this led to reading conway’s paper about it. still no word on it existing, but if it does exist, single particles can have it.
death still sucks. maybe recyling is necessary, but it still sucks.